


Ghost of who I once was.

by lambiepuppet



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Gen, M/M, implied shen/yone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:28:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lambiepuppet/pseuds/lambiepuppet
Summary: first chapter to a series of yone learning to communicate and express himself to feel human again.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

Like most days, Yone awoke stiff as a board. He sat up and took a deep breath, he was nocturnal, so he slept most the day in an abandoned village.  
He had found the village a while ago, it looked like it had been shredded by the Noxians. After surveying the area for days, Yone decided it was safe enough to set up shelter.  
He looked at the darkening sky, the swirling purples into blues looked mesmerizing. Small shines elegantly freckled the sky, not providing much light. it was getting dark enough for him to step into the open. Standing, Yone looked over to the table that held his only belongings. A roll of bandages, a hood, his belt and his sword. He assembled himself before sheathing his sword and dashing out of the destroyed hut, blowing away dirt and leaves.  
Sprinting through the village, he closed his eyes and focused. He needed to find the Azakana before it attacked another person. He shut them tighter, trying to focus the energy and scope out the Demon. The connection was muddy, but he snapped to the Azakanas energy, turning on a dime to follow the trail.  
This particular azakana had piqued yones interest as of late, he heard of its vicious attacks and disappearances in certain towns. He tried to research the victims to see the emotion the Azakana feasted on, but found little about their lives. All he knew was this Azakana had to be the only in the area, since he had taken his time clearing out the ones he sensed around his general vicinity.  
Everywhere he went he sensed the dread and paranoia that came with hunting azakana. Nothing was different in this town. Lights on and lanterns swaying in the breeze, Yone looks around. The silence is deafening, it hurts his head, but he presses on looking around for any civilian not cooped up in their home. No one was out thankfully, Yone stood straighter knowing he would not be spotted. Truthfully Yone desperately missed interacting with innocents, but it was for the best he was semi-alone.  
He paced through streets, following a trail no one but him could see. The lights around him swayed gently on ropes strung above stalls long abandoned. The town was pretty when empty, sounds and smells imagined by Yone as he calmly tracked his enemy. He longed for the company of strangers, to travel through dense crowds and eat delicious food. Anger bloomed in the pits of his stomach, reminding him that he would never experience such a thing again. The despair of a wandering corpse.  
Yone felt the presence of the azakana grow the more he fell into looming thoughts and forgotten worries. He subtly moved his hand to the hilt of his sword, gripping tight as he felt the rush of energy approaching him. Moving quickly as the demon pounced, Yone swung up slashing at the speeding demon. The wind that glided off his sword collided with the azakana, a sharp yelp escaping it as it was pushed away with a single swing of his sword.  
“You Azakana..” he started, wind swirling violently around his form, lifting him from the ground. He moves for the mask of petty jealousy, summoning his legendary Azakana blade. “Are filthy cheaters.”  
Yone moves purposefully and gracefully towards the azakana, slashing at his disgusting form. Yone felt nothing but hatred for such corrupted creatures, seeing them truly fueled the fire in his belly, filling his head with thoughts of violence. Any azakana should be destroyed.  
The demon jumps away, summoning his own horrid blade. A crooked smile forms across its face, stretching its skin in a horrid and unnatural way. It disgusted Yone that it found pleasure in his apathy. He sneers, lunging towards the beast, wind knocking it on its back.  
“I thought you to be so strong.” Yone taunts, swiftly gliding to strike the demon’s forehead. Just as swiftly Yone’s sword collides with stone. Cursing under his breath, Yone slides backwards scanning the surroundings for its presence. A dark swell rolls over him and he sweats, glancing behind him every few seconds. Yone doesn’t notice the puddle of black, ink-like liquid forming underneath his feet. A gnarled claw escapes the void, slowly followed by the rest of its fingers, which clasp tightly around yones bandaged ankle and pull. Before he can be violently yanked into the ink he slashes the hand off at the wrist, pulling his leg out of the viscous fluid. He grimaced at the hand still tightly attached to his ankle, observing its muscle like structure. The fingers unfurled from around his ankle, falling to the ground and curling inwards, much like a dead spider. Another puddle was formed on the wet stone in front of him, rippling and shaking as a large form, now handless, emerged from the nothingness.  
Yone knew the azkana wouldnt be so stupid as to try that again, moving to strike his stomach. One blade flew at the monster's neck and was stopped instantly. The demon smirked before Yone drove his steel through the monster's body. He pushes the sword in deeper, making sure to hit the hilt before he pulls away, flicking his blade with ease. As the monster collapses, small chunks of his being begin to unravel and lift into the air. The red strands of energy swirled in a tornado of light, moving upwards to form a mask. Like instinct, Yone holds out his hand and catches the vile mask. “Dust to dust.”  
Its better now that its contained, at least thats what he tells himself. He still feels the overwhelming energy from each of his masks, like they will explode at any moment.  
Yone takes a moment to look around the town centre, imagining it bustling and full of people. He imagines walking through them as he exits the town, the ghosts of lingering touch echo on his skin. Its painful. He concluded he was too far from the village to go back, and opted for wandering towards the Kinkou monastery, knowing well that there was a large town around it. 

Something about dying heighted Yones senses. He cringed at every twig snap in the dark, at every rustling of the brush. He convinced himself there was no way someone was out this far into the darkness and continued walking into the dense forestry. Snap. Crunch. Each noise triggered his paranoia, forcing him to clutch the hilt of his sword. The cold breeze caressed Yones skin, seemingly bending and flowing around him, luckily his cloak kept him slightly warm. It was dark, but yone could see perfectly, navigating under branches and over fallen trunks. The stream he stopped at glistened in the moonlight as the flowers growing in the rock glowed brilliantly, tinting the stream a glowing blue. Removing his cloak, belt, bandages and waist wrap Yone entered the cool water. He sat on the cold rock letting his hair splay out on the water. The fiery burning he felt deep within his being simmered and subsided as he looked up into the twinkling blanket of night. The stars were beautiful, forming complex patterns Yone couldn't describe. Their otherworldly aura comforted yone, even their small light lit up his dark world.  
Long ago Yone had taken his brother star gazing. On his 13th birthday Yone brought his brother to the highest point of their monastery, watching the stars from a small window. Yone looked at memories like this with regret. If he could do it again, if he could change everything, would it have ended the same? Was he destined to be cursed? The deep burning he felt returned and he angrily decided that it was time to move on from the stream. 

The kinkou monastery was a large building, Yone saw its visage from well into the forest. He was glad to have made it so far in one night, though he thanked super-human speed for the help. It was getting bright and in fear of being spotted, yone lifted the hood to obscure his face. Hopefully, the few morning people walking the streets around the monastery wouldn't notice him. A weekend farmers market seemed to be happening, Yone noticed the fresh foods of venders far before even seeing them. He was excited to smell the fresh cooking and happily strolled down the streets, taking in the sights and sounds. Being in the presence of people was so refreshing, he didn't notice the kinkou apprentice running to catch up with him.  
“Sir! Sir!!” She exclaimed as she waved and chased down Yone. “Dammit” he cursed under his breath, but turned and stopped, letting the girl catch up. “Yes?”  
“Master Shen personally asked to see you.” She says “Please follow me.”  
He swallows hard. Had Shen recognized him?

He walks up the regal stairs of the monastery, still following the apprentice. From the little information she would give of herself, she trained under Kennen and excelled in poetry. Yone longed to write poetry once more.  
They arrived at Shens office and she nodded and bowed, excusing herself. He stood in front of the Large oak sliding doors. He hadnt seen Shen in years, nervously gulping before sliding open the door and stepping into the office. Shen looked up from the tea he was drinking to motion to a cup he poured for Yone. Yone sat on the pillow set for him and sipped his tea idly. They sat and drank in silence for a long time, a thing they often did in their youth. Yone and Shen didn't need words to speak. They played off each other so well, their bond was unbreakable. Was.  
“How did you notice me?” Yone asks, setting his now empty cup on the table. A long sip, Shen acted like he didn't hear it.  
“I don't know any dual wielding swords man other than myself.” Shen smiles behind the cup of tea. Yone flushes. Shen was right, they were the only two notable dual wielders. Yone keeps his hands in his lap, afraid that if he touches anything in this room it will break, he was far too violent to handle such fragile things. Shen pours more tea in Yones cup, His silence speaks volumes to Yone, he's angry, Yone can tell.  
In his youth, Shen was hotheaded. He mellowed out with age and got better at masking his emotions, but Yone felt the hot, burning anger from his soul.  
“You're angry.”  
“You noticed”  
Yone runs his finger over the scar on his left hand, a nervous habit he had in life. He doesn't bother looking Shen in the eye, bowing his head in shame. Something about Shen was so intimidating. His size, his unknowable expression. He had changed a lot since Yone last saw him.  
“Where have you been?” A simple question from Shen, an easy start.  
“All over Ionia.” Yone starts, pausing a moment waiting for Shens approval to continue speaking. “I usually stay in abandoned villages, I don't want to risk anyone seeing me and becoming fearful.” Shen’s deadpan face almost falters into a frown, but he sits quietly waiting for Yone to finish. “When Yasuo killed me something happened.” He looked down at his open palms trying to relive the feeling of the spirit world. He felt himself getting further and further away from knowing his identity, not knowing who his own hands belonged to. “The spirit realm, I saw it. The vast blue expanse. The smell of fresh cherry blossoms leading to the harsh metallic smell of blood and the sickly sweet stench of death.” He starts shaking, closing his fists into tight balls, digging nails into flesh to feel something. “The Azakana… I am cursed, Shen.” Shen doesn't push him any further, besides, Shen saw the spirit realm everyday.  
“Remove your hood, Yone”  
Yone hesitates but complies, taking off his hood which had been obscuring most of his face. He hasn't looked at himself in the mirror since he first turned, remembering the gnarled visage of what once was. He didn't recognize this person he supposedly was, it angered him that he could have his identity torn away in the blink of an eye. Shen’s expression didn't falter and Yone doesn't speak, his lip quivering. Yone had not seen anyone in what felt like years, he felt white hot shame at who he was, what he had become. Tears flowed freely down Yones cheeks, he had not truly grieved the loss of himself.  
Shen signals for Yone to stand up, moving to his side and wrapping his arms around Yone’s thin frame. Touch, hes being touched. He doesn’t realize it for a moment but Shen is hugging him. Yone starts to sob, truly knowing that he has lost himself. Shen feels so warm, alive. Once his hiccupping settles down, Shen let go, grabbing ahold of his shoulders. The ghost of Shens touch lingered on Yones skin, making him shiver.  
“I’m happy to see you.” Shen smiles, his expression filling Yone with joy, he politely mimicked one back.  
“I’m happy to see you too.”


	2. Regretfully Yours.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yone experiences intimacy

Yone had been stagnant for a few months now, staying at the Kinkou monastery at Shen’s request. In their childhood, Yone and Shen had spent much time together at political events for the Kinkou order, back when it was still whole. Yone had heard of Zeds misdeeds, even killing a few Yanlei who got in his way, he mourned the loss of Kusho, but it didn't stop him from wondering what happened to such a bright eyed child. He supposed that Zed had killed that bright eyed kid, weary of the world but eager to learn. Zed had mourned the loss of himself long ago.  
In the past few months Yone had been under Shen’s guidance, learning Kinkou meditation practices and customs, much different from the ones he grew up under. He often had thoughts of his cursed nature, how he was endangering everyone he ever came in contact with, it left him to wander the monastery at night in order to be away from watching eyes. Shen had stayed up with him a lot, comforting him through the night terrors that ravaged his mind. Black clouds with swirling blood red, contracting and expanding to create the form of the demon living under his skin, it pleaded to be let out, for Yone to listen to his deepest animal mind and Kill the innocents. He often described the demon in vivid detail, down to the last white hair on its head. Shen, of course, knew azakana exist. His father often warned of emotion draining demons, willing to claw and eat their way into the mortal plane of existence. He felt some semblance of pity at Yones new state of being. Shen had tried to make Yone feel as “normal” as humanly possible, but after such a shocking event, could you ever be whats considered “Normal”?  
The meditation helped quell the voices in Yones head. He was tormented, poked and laughed at like a caged animal by these unseen monsters. They used to rule his life, controlling his thoughts and actions to a T. Shen had been somewhat of a therapist to Yone, teaching him to be human in a very special Shen way. Yone knew Shen wasn't as well off as his persona lead on, knowing of the hot emotion that runs through Shen, even when the mask was present. Being partially azakana, it was easier for Yone to sniff out emotions, namely regret. Yone had figured out long ago that his azakana feasted on regret for lost love. He heard the sorrow and felt the heavy burden of this, often avoiding towns in order to be sane one more day.

“Regret.  
Hot, burning, scarring.  
Pain subsidies, scars remain.  
Will we ever be the same again?” the words poked at Yones dream, heard from a familiar voice… When the voice spoke, the inky void of Yones mind changed to a sunset yellow, meshing and fading into an endless blue sky, cloud of any shape floating happily in the air. Yone wished to feel like an endless blue sky, though he was unsure of what a blue sky felt like.  
Violent coughing and sputtering, he had awoken. Cold air filled his lungs as he sat up. He felt disoriented.  
“You're awake.” Shen says, not hiding the fact he was reading Yones poetry.  
Yone points his clawed finger at the notebook Shen held, furrowing his brow. He wasn't mad at Shen, just annoyed he didn't ask permission first.  
“Sorry. I didn't mean to pry, it was open on the table when I came in to check on you. You're still very talented, have you been practicing?” A shake of the head. Shen sucks on his teeth. “A shame.” He gently closes the book, moving to kneel next to Yones makeshift bed. Their morning routine was to have tea at the crack of dusk, when the sky was going from orangey purples to the dark blanket of stars that Yone had grown to love.  
“Do you regret anything, Yone?”  
“Much.” Yone replied, sitting up and holding his cup of tea. Shen often picked his brain at this hour, still the curious child he once was. “Sometimes I think about my childhood,” he doesn't have to be instructed to keep talking anymore “If I had gone easier on Yasuo…. Would this be any different?” He rests his head on his knee, looking out the window to the purple sky. “Who is to say for sure? The past is the past. All we can do is look forward.”  
“You’ve changed so much.” He turns his head, resting his cheek against his knee. Shens face was beautiful, the way his face wrinkled as he smiled. He was aging, but not unattractive. Grey hairs started to spring up, dotting Shens red mane.  
“So you tell me.”  
“What about you?” Yone asks “Do you regret anything?” Shens face fell, becoming deadpan once more.  
“Yes.” Was all that Shen said for the moment, finger gingerly circling the rim of his cup. “I regret Zed.”  
Yone felt Shen’s sorrow, just the mere mention of his name seemed to awaken something in Shen. Anger, fear, longing, regret.  
“There will come a day when I will have to kill him, Yone.” Yone moves his hand to rest on Shen’s. Yone knew he couldn't releve Shen of such a burden, for fate was a cruel mistress.  
“Can I hug you?” Shen nods his head and Yone sets down his cup, wrapping his arms around Shens neck. He felt comforted by Shen’s strong hands,thumb rubbing against the exposed skin of Yones back.  
“I missed you” words Yone never thought he would hear. Was he still lovable as a grotesque monster? Yone’s shocked silence quickly turned to a pleasant quiet as they both stayed in the embrace, repositioning to make it comfortable.  
“I havent been so intimate with someone in a while” Yone admits, settling into Shens lap.  
“Nor have I”  
It struck him at that moment. Shen was truly as lonely as Yone. Shen had mourned the loss of himself, been through the struggle of putting it all back together. It felt better knowing he was not alone.  
“Do you remember when we were children?” Shen asked solemnly, Yone felt the regret again.  
“Yes.” Yone thought about their youth. Slipping away from prying eyes to sit quietly by a stream, hand in hand, about the secrets they shared, about the fears they had. Such silly childhood fears.  
“I know you can't stay here much longer.” Shen says “I know I will lose you once more.”  
“You never lost me” Yone pulls him in tighter, Shen does the same.  
“I am not the same man I once was. I am ashamed. My father would be ashamed.”  
“Your father has no bearing on your life now, you are your own person.” Yone unties the ribbon around shens bun, red locks cascade over Shen’s shoulders. He brushed it out with his fingers gently, hoping to calm Shens nerves.  
“I am scared for the future, Yone.”  
“I am too.” 

Shen had slept in Yone’s bed that night, tangled with him. Yone woke first, carefully removing himself from Shen’s embrace. It felt like a dick move to just pack and leave, but Yone could not handle it if he brought harm to Shen or the Kinkou monastery. 

“Shen,

I’m sorry for leaving, I could not live with myself if I hurt you. I hope you will forgive me. I love you.  
-Yone.”

Just like that, Yone was on his own again. The paranoia grew as he wandered further into the forest, disappearing from Shens life once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoping to write more within the next couple of days, maybe a shen pov chapter :flushed:

**Author's Note:**

> im currently writing chapter 2 so it shouldnt be too long before it gets to the juicy of yone mental illness


End file.
